HEY WHAT DO WANT?!?

The buttman, first day of 2004

2005-01-01T19:39:08Z

Exactly 1 year ago today, the jacobs made a one time appearance in the IYF Pork guestbook. Why didn't anyone krill him?

318 Date: 2004-01-01 20:56:52
Krill'em shakespear ( Somethingtodowithfleshhouse2003@kissmyass.com / no homepage) wrote:

Ok Ok Ok Ok Ok Guys you should know that even though your actually playing a show and how proud of yourself you should really be...soon the greatest band in the world will be on the stage and its the band known as Flesh House K3 and whatcha going to do, when the big gay band runs wild on you.... and the fact of the matter is....I have no facts or really a point to this...I just wanted to sound kinda special and say booty alot. So her goes, booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty iyf pork sucks booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty.... there I think I made my point on that one.... soon I will rule the world and when the come to thrown me off my bowl that I sit upon to rule the world... i will kill one american soldier and I will better than saddam.....I will make a new city before I die so that They Might Be Giants will write a new song Called Solecism cause thats the name of the city... do i have to spell it all out for you damn.... this isnt any fun anymore.... krill me soon

help me

2004-12-14T01:28:08Z

http://media.ebaumsworld.com/index.php?e=sexualharassment.wmv

why did i have to watch this!?

deathbydonger @ 2004-12-06T21:24:00

2004-12-07T02:36:02Z

I can no longer stop myself from saying this, but somehow I know the same blood is running through veins.

I offer alliegance to your insanely unamusing banter Dr. Demento! Ahhhh!!! You suck so bad, but why cant
I get over you!?!?! I dont deserve this!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

http://www.drdemento.com/games/dementia.html <~ Whoooo

Bonerama!!!: The Retrospective

2004-12-06T03:04:38Z

A picture is like worth a thousands words, and I don't feel like typing, so this should do it.
Bitch, I shit more in a day than I do..like..in an hour.

The back of the only copy ever made of this shitty bootleg from you know who.

A classic work of art. J. Jacobs circa my tech math notebook, @ 2001.
You can't deny that he is a work of art, like some greek god towering
above, he can't be touched I tell you! Like flaming turds from an ass,
no toilet paper can wipe the soiled flames away. He truly is possibly the
greatest man alive.

Jonathan Jacobs Fun Fact: He coined the term "Hooted" after being fragged
by Pennsylvania native Hoot in a game of Turok 2, on the Experimentata level.

After learning how to calculate the volume of a cylinder, this popped out
my ass. Oddly enough, the original copy of this is somewhere under my house
right now festering in a collection of mold and shit like that.

ohhh d'oh!

Tie balloons to your balls and let them float off into the sky

2004-12-01T01:12:25Z

The goddamn ghost better hurry the fuck up and make the walls bleed or some shit, geeze.
Someone left a packet of onion ring batter in my room today, somehow I know the ghost
was behind it. Onion Rings? They look like goddamn tapeworms with fur coats on biting their own
asses. The time has come for me to drag my ass across the floor like a dog in heat in homage to Dan
Thompsons failure to summon the Butt Man, my last lingering wish in the year 2004.

deathbydonger @ 2004-11-29T22:42:00

2004-11-30T04:01:28Z

I think the other night my house decided to be haunted. A good choice might I add.
I can't help but wonder what torturious nights of wailing and wroughting I'll be forced to endure
before I can befriend this spirit. I hope it's maliciously evil. Do ghosts make spirit doo?
Can I doo and the spirit smell it?

OHHHH SHIT NO!

2004-11-26T00:25:19Z

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my piece of modern art for today. besides frontside nose shuvits in the driveway for 30 minutes. its cold.

deathbydonger @ 2004-11-24T11:33:00

2004-11-24T17:17:30Z

The festival of sneezing, coughing, and shitting has begun. Praise montezuma for starting to leave my body and ravaging it with his angry fist of diarrhea. I've popped more pills that that Betty Ford bitch, and there's nothing that can be done to stop me now. My sinus cavities match that of carlesbad caverns. Aside from feeling like shit, I have work to go to in an hour and I can finally rest for 4 days of unabashed sloth. i have lost all creativity..i haven't even talked about shitting that much in this.. noooooo!!!!!

deathbydonger @ 2004-11-20T13:54:00

2004-11-20T19:05:19Z

The only way I can battle this head cold of mine is to bombard it with an assortment of store bought uppers and downers. Every time I break wind it smells like Nyquil. Fright Night is on and it's possibly one of the worst movies I have ever encountered, minus the ending part where the vampire gets capped a bunch. I recall being drunk a few years back off of an old bottle of colt 45 and writing about it in a notebook of mine. Why arent there any robots in this movie? Like Mikebot3000? I think that he and Mattbot666 would probably bust out when the vampire was makin bacon with his victim and continually punch each other in the back ground. Then the vampire would stay up until sunlight because their would be no reason to live, or better yet, I know he'd go to Books A Million or Carowinds to hang out with those idiots in Kronic. I feel like Tom Selleck's mustache, so I'm out.

R.I.P Mikebot 3000 and Mattbott 666

2004-11-16T03:13:15Z

robot hell is probably filled with awesome shit. like lightbulbs
and double a batteries.

Attack of Buttzilla!

2004-11-14T18:25:00Z

Im scarfing down stuffing, kabobs, and pork chops right now in a frenzy of heart attack enducing madness. RIP Old Dirty, I'll be with you in a few hours, with a bottle of mad dog and some diarrhea.

deathbydonger @ 2004-11-07T20:41:00

2004-11-08T01:56:24Z

My arm looks like hamburger meat. Fabulous.

Oh yeah!

no wait...Ohhh nooo!

Taking this moment to recognize D Day 2002, Drunksgiving.

Can't nobody stop this shit, Attack of the Killer Tomatos, turkey, and matt's awesome yams

and then i took a ashit
OHHH YEAH!

deathbydonger @ 2004-11-06T14:54:00

2004-11-06T20:03:08Z

Who gives a fuck about Bush or Kerry, they can't do frontside no-comply stalls to bigspin out. However, my two write ins on the ballot
Jonathan Jacobs for Township of Cherryville (No joke bitches, the Jacobs has entered the building) and Brian "Son of Adolf Hitler" Gamble for something I forgot. I would have voted Jeremy Kleins part in World Industries Rubbish heap for president. "http://www.worldindustries.tv" go watch it, don't be a pussy, you wanted to do kickflip 5-0s and focus Chris Pastras' board in 1989. I have a hot date tonight, and i have been trying to make music like crazy with fruity loops so iyf pork will shit itself to death. During halloween I left out some food and burned some candles for a few shortly lost friends and I fear John Wilksbooth ate their gummy worms, what a fag. All shall prepare for Trullmania, all are my bitches

end communication

ohhh yeah!

American Buttman in London

2004-10-30T21:04:43Z

I feel and look like i was stuffed inside of godzillas cooter.

American Buttman in London

2004-10-30T21:04:31Z

I feel and look like i was stuffed inside of godzillas cooter.

oh no, not again

2004-10-26T02:51:16Z

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Modern art sucks ass.
But what rules is almost getting flattened by two big
rigs on I - 85 tonight, what the hell is that!?
All those star wars fans, and i thought My Cousin Vinnie was awesome back in the day.
Ohhh yeaah!
I feel shitty now.
Wu Tang Clan still aint nothin to fuck with

GG Allen's farts had to have smelled like shit

2004-10-24T18:34:43Z

Dead Baby jokes abound the air as sunday morning turns into the afternoon. God lets one rip, and then Jesus blames it on the holy spirit. The cops beat down a drunk driver, and some guy with a video camera laughs his ass off as Bob Sagat gives him $10,000 for it. I don't know how to write Hikus and my first bike was a Schwinn Stingray that my parents bought off of some lady that killed her baby, and someone probably made a joke about that too. I believe in the Buttman and cher's husband built a time machine to save himself from crashing into a tree. Fuck you Scooby Doo, Hannah Barbera smells like semen. I love you Dan Thompson, but all the goth kids do not.

666 days left until....DIARRHEAMANIA!!!

2004-10-21T04:22:43Z

I can't stress enough how the X-Files must have had obtuse effects on me from the fourth grade on up. It is quite possibly the greatest show ever, and there is no doubt that in the future when Apes rule the earth I will be sodomized by bannans for liking it so much. My sea monkeys are trolling the top of their small tank awaiting for their master to drop the brown gritty shit like substance known as their food down to them. Feast my water born earwigs, feast. Soon I will do nothing but give you to stoners for use in tobacco water pipes, where you shall dwell in a burbling caldron of smoke and general hungah, baaahahahahahaha!! In highschool I remember cluttering a mix tape in my four track for Mr. Jacobs and the roadwarriors as they embarked on a voyage to Pennsylvania. There was chronicled the first "Epic of the Buttman" a 60 minute tape of nothing but horrible first grade style narratives overdubbed to guitar noise and clips of the Twilight Zone. I commanded Mr. Jacobs crew to honk their car horn, and then overtake the wheel and run the car off of the road, but to no avail it didn't work. Instead they became stuck there, and had to live in a water filled tire in a mosquito farm for the rest of their known lives...which lasted roughly two weeks. Then they came back somehow. I'm still a bit sad I couldn't make the journey. Eventually I started making songs about Knobby in hopes of luring him out of Cleveland county. My past few expeditions proved useless except for driving around on some shitty back roads and then smelling the split open carcasses of roadkill that lay strewn everywhere, but it wouldn't last for long. Somehow I know Knobby was there somewhere, behind the Antique store? Who knows. Tornados fucked the place up when I was younger, I wonder what Knobby thought of that shit? I just saw a man eating a hooker on TV.

Fuck the Titanic, it's BEACHPARTYMANIA!!

2004-10-12T03:18:19Z

I'm obessing over the Lizard Man.
Joe Baldwin and that damn missing head, you are next.

Folding Arm Directors Chair

2004-09-28T00:13:44Z

My feet feel like slices of pizza. The fourth hurricane in a row is barely doing anyting
but pissing rain all over, what a load of shit. All I have to think about is sleep.
Wake me up when they turn big ben into a digital clock or some shit. Like in Planet
of the Apes.

Wrangler Jeans and Jesus Christ

2004-09-25T20:24:12Z

A manditory brainwashing via television is called for, immediately I follow through and obey my master.
Tits, Ass, Violence, Satan, Jesus, Diarrhea...it's all in this wonderful box. Aside from that, the
weather reminds me many gusts of farts whisped from the asses of the clouds above. Outside my window
I spy a car lurking in the church parking lot, no doubt plotting Satanic deeds the likes Tuckaseege has
never seen. I'm sure the devil lives around here, maybe at the Shithole where a younger Lee B. took me
swimming one night amongst the turds and alligators floating in the Catawba river. I wonder if it was nibbling
on my toes? Though that coulds have been a turd (or terd, I think that's what they call them in the north)
The was the time of skating the First Union in Mt Holly, with shitty backside grinds on the ledge, then
migrating to Lee's house, and leaving the oven on for hours at a time in the mid summers heat. Afterwards
we'd try as hard as we could to beat the sun home. Schwinn bikes and baby ruths for everyone, eat shit.

Hawaiin Shirt

2004-09-23T02:08:56Z

It's the first day of fall, which when I first heard all I could think about were large masses of wiccans dancing around piles of burning leaves and shitting on each others' chests. Flaming squirrel nests and new oil for my car, oh how wonderful life can be.

I wonder where's at he..uh...now?

2004-09-22T00:20:04Z

A throbbing ball of the foot and dwindling interest in some sci fi rip off of the Tommy Knockers
sets the mood for tonight. Once me and this guy went after the whole population of wasp nests at
my house with a lighter and hairspray and napalmed the wasps and their young in a vein attempt to
keep them from ruining our summer. Sadly enough that must have happened at the end of summer or
something, but I didn't care. What I'd really like now is a hair cut, and a chance to clean my car,
even though I've had plenty of those. Come to think of it, i've been too absorbed in taking advantage
of cat naps and television shows other than anything constructive. I've been thinking about this
lame movie about aliens that I saw a while ago, back in the early part of the 90s where mullets were
slowly de evolving up the neck and ravers worse those goddamn striped shirts. Stacking rolls and
being controlled by slug like beings from another planet, that reminds me of Home Economics in 10th
grade. Surrounded by club kids and a burn out, who told a story about drinking a beer, pissing, and
the rain cycle in the same story. I wonder where he's at now, or better yet how he never fell off the
bleachers hulking up during pep rallies and shit, back when we had ring buzzers. I survived off of
Soda and cable TV the summer after 10th grade, stayed up until the sun rose, and sat outside in a
lawn chair because I was going to the pet store..well, one morning I was.

If the Canadians sacked America and there were only two servivors left to repopulate,
Dirty Derek and Slicky Jonathanstyle would be the ones to do it, actually, who cares.
Crowders Mtn. during the failed IYF Pork summer tour. The perfect way to cap off an
unsuccessful tour than to take it Grizzly Adams style, minus the shitty
bear, and coon hats and shit. I shit liquid turd juice down a nasty outhouse and sprayed
camel crickets off the side of the toilet, we all almost died attempting to hike to the peak of
Crowders in pitch black with shitty Rayovac flashlights, and to top it off it rained all night
and we were covered in a disgusting marinade of acid rain, moth shit,
and tree semen. I quit the band.

Shotguns, werewolves, and no goddamn jacket.

2004-09-19T05:05:27Z

I found out layered clothes and direct sunlight concoct a miserable sweat drenched afternoon of frontside 180's off of the two stair at the church. Since I rarely leave the ground it's quite odd to be able to have a birds eye view of your legs and feet for even just a few seconds, watching the the fidgety motion that makes you feel like some sort of fucked up booger being flicked from god's fingers. Thank god I still remain ten years behind all these kids and I still hate eggs with a passion. Tonight at some sort of flop house round about I bummed a newport off of Mike, then to repay him I wiped my ass with a fresh dollar bill of sorts. Aside from a blitzkrieg of worry, that was probably my last stand of the night, after being handed the opportunity to play the keys for a quick tune while a great many screamed "Beast Cock" for a hearty round of strange occult like jamming. Which reminds me, I have a shark in a bottle somewhere under my house right now. That's something I really need to dig out.

fuck woodcuts, i shit cooler than this

Half scratched ass, and shit

2004-09-17T05:07:19Z

With a sad lucky shot I rang a pack of camels into the trashcan and stopped watching Deliverance on TV at the part where the hillbilly takes the arrow through the heart. I thought alot today about spies and cutout books with camera hidden in them, and after that I wanted to go back to bed so I could conjur up something else that didn't wreak of Harriet the Spy (or some shit, cuz' thats what kids always say after every sentance.)The failsafe formula for having bad dreams was to eat chinese food and drink Nyquil. That became my goal in my senior year in Highschool, too bad I never managed to put the two together. Nyquil made my feet tingle and smelled like shit. Without sleep now I often think about road trips taken in days of yore to Siler City, Spartainburg, and possibly Cleveland County. All ending somehow in the middle of the night and at daybreak, whichever came first. I think the best feeling was trying to beat the sun from coming up, because in some reverse vampire fashion it just seemed like the only thing to do at the time. Speaking of which, I may just get there early...and..shit.